All Flared Up

I want to do hard things, like:

-squats.

-pilates…or yoga – either one would be good.

-weight-lifting, because everyone is talking about how important it is as we age.

-walk the Camino de Santiago.

But my body says NO. Actually, mostly my knees. But also my shoulders and back.

More often than not, I ignore the signs. I push myself. But I almost always end up paying for it.

Last week, I told my therapist about my dream of doing the Camino. That it feels like a calling I have never experienced before. That I am training for it by increasing the length of my walks, 30 minutes at a time.

She leaned back in her blue chair, the one with the seat cushion that is so big, I’d look like a small child if I sat in it, legs dangling in the air. She tilted her head, nose pointing to the high ceiling and said, “That sounds very liver energy to me.”

We’ve talked about the Five Elements (Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal and Water) quite a bit, she is fascinated with them. She told me she thinks my true constitutional element is Earth. The Earth Element has to do with our digestion and our flesh (think muscles). It governs the four limbs. Its energy is strengthened by sitting. A strong Earth element person is nurturing, but not overly so.

I was surprised by her assessment. I don’t have much flesh. And I certainly don’t see myself as a mothering, nurturing type.

The liver, on the other hand, has to do with the Wood Element. Wood is about expansion and movement, especially walking. But too much walking taxes the liver. Mine is already over-taxed. Enter Autoimmune Hepatitis.

My therapist has a really good point. But I don’t want to believe her.

I told her, “Well, I am not walking away from something, I am walking towards something. Something positive. A new version of me. I am letting the old me go up in a puff of ash behind me every time I walk. It’s so liberating! And it helps me to feel better emotionally.”

She smiled, the kind of smile that tells you that you need to brace yourself for what is coming. “Yes, I can see that. But, it still sounds like liver energy.”

The room darkened. I glanced out the window, but there were no clouds. My happiness bubble gobbled up in milliseconds by a black hole. Part of me was pissed, why did she have to say that when I was feeling so good about this whole thing? But, part of me -the deeper, wiser part – knew she was right.

Still, I ignored the warning and I kept walking. Through the pain. Telling myself, this is life. Life hurts sometimes. This is an opportunity to prove to myself that I CAN do hard things. I will not allow my body to dictate what I can and cannot do, dammit!

Today it did.

I woke up to knees swollen like chipmunks cheeks, as if holding onto my mistakes so that I cannot miss them. Even my achilles tendons hurt, having tried their best to compensate for the abuse.

It might be awhile before I can walk again. When it got this far in the past, it was months of recovery.

What I heard on a podcast a couple of days ago comes to mind: “Instead of asking, Why is this happening TO me? We need to ask, Why is this happening FOR me?”

When I ask myself this question, I realize that I need to honor my flesh, not try to melt it away with hours of exercise. I need to eat and not obsess about how to burn the calories. I need to allow them to settle so that they can nurture me. My knees are giving me the opportunity to live in a new, nourishing, self-preserving way.

I am not going to lie, I still want to walk the Camino.

But maybe the only way to do that is indeed to return to my true Earthy nature. Maybe the best way to strengthen the body in my case is to let it rest.

Which means that I cannot just sit here at the computer and count that towards my down time. No, I need to sit alone with my shitty, self-critical thoughts and my mis-beliefs so that I can shed the version of myself that I thought I was. And become the person I am meant to be.

I do not know who said this so unfortunately I cannot give it an attribution, but I will share it with you anyway:

“Decide who you want to be and then act from that identity immediately.”

So now I leave you, precious one, so that I can sit with myself for awhile. Let me have the strength to do the hardest thing: TO SIMPLY BE.

I hope you do too.

Buen Camino!