All Flared Up

It’s hard to write when there’s nothing good to report.

My social media and podcast feeds are full of bad stories turned good. How someone, despite all odds, accomplished their dreams or overcome their illness.

It’s not a story if there isn’t a happy ending. ‘Cause no one wants to read about pure struggle minus triumph. Right?

It’s hard to write when you are in the thick of it – when the end isn’t in sight. When you don’t know what the outcome will be and things seem to be getting worse, not better.

So, I keep waiting for my redemption.

But, if I wait. I will not write. And if I do not write, I am giving up.

I really do not want to give up.

I wish more people would write about the shitty middle and just leave it at that. Because how I feel right now, the finish line looks like it is a million miles away from me. An impossible destination. And if I focus on that, the journey of getting there becomes a huge chore, an enormous weight I carry each day that I don’t make it to my happy ending.

So, today I am being honest with myself and with you (if anyone is listening): it’s really fucking hard right now.

If you also live with an autoimmune disease, you know what I am talking about. And if I hear one more influencer or doctor turned famous author talk about how their perfect diet cured their disease – I am going to throw up.

I know what I need to do. And cleaning up my already clean diet is not it.

I have hated myself since I was a child. If I had to guess, I’d say it started around the age of 8. And it’s no coincidence that my chronic pain began then too. First it was my lower back (at age 8, keep in mind), then in my late teens it was my knees – and so on. The body was simply playing defense – trying its best to distract me from the present moment – the incessant feelings of the lack of tolerance for self.

The cure to my auto-immune diseases is to stop hating myself, it’s as “simple” as that.

Until I master that, I will be stuck here forever in the shitty middle.

How do I stop hating myself? The only way I can think of right now is to begin by finishing the things I started and to start doing the things I say I am going to do:

Finish reading one book in my Kindle. I counted, there were 14 unread books, now there are 13. ✔

Reach out to one friend and tell her how I am REALLY feeling. ✔

Write one more blog. ✔