All Flared Up

I am someone who avoids conflict at all costs. I’d like to think it’s because I am a pacifist. But it’s not. I do it because I do not want to feel the feelings that come up as a result. And because I really, really, REALLY hate being disliked.

Sitting with negative feelings is physically painful for me. It feels like my my heart might give out for beating so hard for so long. Sometimes it as if a rat lives in my stomach and is trying to gnaw its way through. When it’s really bad, it feels like there is a pressure building up inside me that is so powerful that if I don’t do something quickly, my body will explode.

Since childhood, I have developed intricate strategies for how to avoid my feelings. I start by ignoring that small inner voice that tries to tell me when something is not quite right. The one that gently urges me to step away completely or at least not to run full force ahead. I ignore it because it scares me. Because if I listen to it, I might piss someone off or, at the very least, hurt their feelings.

Instead, I let my mind rationalize my feelings. She never fails to convince me that my instincts are wrong. She says, “Oh, come on! You’re overreacting.” Or “You’re totally misinterpreting the situation.” Or even, “You didn’t see and hear what you thought you saw and heard – you made it all up.”

And this, right here, is where I get into trouble.

Because I end up shape-shifting. I become someone the other person wants me to be, or expects me to be. But all the while knowing deep down that I am betraying myself. In my mind, I am doing the other person a “favor”. I am doing what it takes so as not to hurt or offend them. I justify my words and actions by believing that I am the “noble one” who is keeping the peace.

HA!!

Oh, the havoc I have wreaked.

I could easily (and have many times) get stuck in these feelings of guilt and shame and use these situations as another excuse to hate myself.

But finally at 54, I am promising myself NOT to allow my harsh inner critic (aka: the devil voice) to get the upper hand.

Instead, I am now spending my precious time being aware of the mistakes I’ve made and accepting the fact that the clock cannot be set back. At the same time, I am practicing resisting the desire to “make it all better” by people pleasing. By acquiescing. By achieving safety through submission.

This is excruciatingly hard because it feels cruel to me. Setting firm boundaries is tougher than anything I have ever done before – including giving birth, getting divorced, moving abroad, learning a new language.

Still, I have to persist, because I know deep down that I am on to something.

In taking on this new approach, I will have to learn to live with the risk that the other person might dislike me. Or already actively does.

But there comes a point when you learn that you cannot override your own needs anymore. That you too are worthy.

It has taken me over five decades to learn that although the strategy of people pleasing has been effective for me in the past, doing this while suppressing my own needs and feelings (in order to minimize conflict and maintain the relationship) has a price tag that in the long run has always been far, far greater than any momentary peace this approach has ever brought me.

I am done with not valuing myself as much as I value others. I recognize that by placating the other, I am in fact not making their life better. In the long run, I am making it much worse.

Am I sorry for the mess I’ve made? 100% yes.

Am I willing to risk not being liked so that I can live more authentically by honoring my own needs? This is scary as hell, but yes – yes I am.

For those I have already hurt, I am sorry. Know that I have learned my lessons and that I will be forever grateful for them.

Also know that from here on out, I am choosing a life of authenticity. And that I will never, ever betray myself again.

I am shedding the skin I put on to please you so that I can become the person that I truly am – whether you like her or not.