All Flared Up

This year I am practicing flexibility. This is not something that comes easily to me.

I can be quite rigid: in my thinking, in my eating habits, in my routines. I once had a professor who told us that inflexibility can be thought of as psycho-arteriosclerosis – arteriosclerosis of the mind.

We all know the adage, if you keep doing (or thinking) the same things over and over – you cannot expect different results.

This is my work this year. How can I be strong, but still bend – like a tree?How can I open my mind to new ways of thinking? How can I view myself through the lens of others – not as a way to punish or judge myself, but simply as an exercise in curiosity.

In my mind, I see myself a certain way when I interact with others, but this does not mean that is their experience of me. How can I create the space to accept that although I might think I am being kind, another could perceive me as harsh? Although I may believe I am acting as a cozy blanket, another might experience this as suffocating?

Flexibility.

There is a Buddhist teaching that says that you can only hold onto one “ball” at a time. If you hate yourself, you are holding the ball of self-hatred and you are bringing it with you everywhere you go. Every interaction, every thought, every intention. Because your hands are full, you will not be able to pick up the ball of self-compassion. The challenge is this: put down the ball of self-hatred and pick up the ball of the suffering of someone you care about. Think of that person and be there completely for them. Eventually, you will see that your own suffering cannot simultaneously exist.

A practice that brings this to life is something that I read about some time ago. First, you need to find a heavy stone. But it has to be really heavy, otherwise this won’t be as powerful of an exercise. Paint a word on your stone that represents the ball of suffering that you are carrying. (For example, self-hatred, worry, rage, shame.) And then carry that stone with you wherever you go for as long as it takes until you realize that you no longer wish to carry that suffering with you anymore.

Once you put it down, you will realize that you now have the capacity and energy to embrace something new, something that serves you as well as those around you.

The things is, if I hate myself, then I am creating a reality which shows me that I have every reason to hate myself. Every time I make a mistake or do something that hurts someone, I cannot help but to see this as “proof” that I am a bad person. And therefore justified in hating myself.

What if I practice flexibility and try something new for a change? What if I pick up the ball of self-love? My reality will have to reorient itself around that. I will begin to see the myriad of tiny, kind and beautiful things I do. Things that make a stranger smile. Things that make a loved one’s life just that much easier. Even the things that do not need to be noticed by others, but are lovely just because they are. Now I will have fuel I need to stoke the fire of self-love. And my reality will reflect that back to me.

Lay down your heavy stone.

Allow what is good to fill the space.

Remain strong, but remember to bend when the wind blows.